Sorsha's Lucid Moments
Lucid Moments. A life best forgotten.
As the sedatives wear off in these rare times, and I have these brief moments of Lucid thought, the memories rush back with horrid clarity, it is at these moments that I pray for sleep, to dream. I have been able to procure a small pad of paper and a pencil from a careless guard, who in a drunken stupor pays little mind to the items in his pockets as he slumps in a pool of his own vomit. I was just able to reach through the small opening in the door (which they use to slide trays of moldy bread and rancid meat to me ) that day, I don't remember which.. to grab them, he never noticed they were gone.
I have been here since the murder, locked up, heavily sedated for the majority of the time. Am I a murderer? I suppose it is up for interpretation, but what I did, I would do again in a heartbeat.
In my culture, women born into a family have little to no use. At the tender age of 9, I was sold to a wealthy land baron, by my father. I do not remember the name of my father, or what he looks like, I don't want to. I try to close my mind to the abuse and torture that were a part of daily life for many years. You obeyed, or you died. Many times, as I recall these memories, I wonder why I did not choose death.
I do not know how many years passed, I do not know how old I am, nor do I know really, what my actual name is. I digress though, I am trying to tell you why I am here...
I became with child, how many years ago, I really can't say, though it was around the time of my first Awakening into Underlight. I do not wish to relive that, but.. the child was born, and swiftly taken from me. It was a boy, so I can only pray that his life was spared.
The day after the birth of my son, the Baron came to me...as he had done so many times before. Drunk, agressive, brutal, dusgusting. As he lay on my bed, after, in a heavy slumber from the drink, and I cried for the millionth time.
Something in me snapped.
I remember being very calm, as I walked to the parlour and retrieved a decorative Katana from a display wall. I returned to the bed and I quite methodically slit his throat. I remember that he opened his eyes in surprise for one brief moment, before his blood flooded the bed. I laughed then, oh how I laughed. then I cried, I screamed, the guards came and aprehended me, kicking and screaming I fought, I scratched, bit, kicked, punched in a wild frenzy of loathing. I think I took out one of their eyes as I dug my fingers in.
I sit here now, in this room. I do not know how long it has been. I don't know what day it is, what time, what year. I have not spoken for a very long time, there is no point. Once in awhile they send a woman in to wash me. At least I no longer wear the straight-jacket. I thank the Gods for that.
It is in this room that I achieved the Awakening for the first time. Having known no other life, I naturally gravitated towards Asmodan Kytain..
my "Master"...
though, that is a story for another day, as I hear footsteps in the bleak hallways, which means it is time for my "medication"... and that is fine, because to dream, is to find peace, and sanity...
Lucid Moments
Tue Aug 02, 2016
As the sedatives wore off I felt strange somehow, other than the "strange" that I am accustomed to.
Reaching up I had discovered that my hair had been shorn close to my scalp. These are the sorts of things they do, I don't know why, for their own amusement? I can think of no other reason. I shudder to think what other things may, or do happen to me as I am unconscious. I have no more anger left, no more tears. I don't feel anything at all anymore. I pray to the Gods to relieve me of this life, surely death must be better than this. I fear what I will find when next I wake.
Today I have a vague memory of a horrid place with an ungodly stench, many people were gathered, men and women. There was much screaming and fire. I do not know what this means. I am not sure that I want to know.
Fri Aug 05, 2016 1:04 pm
I don't know how many days have passed. I am so hungry and thirsty, I can't remember when they brought food the last time. My teeth are falling out for lack of nutrients. I barely have the strength to hold the pencil. I don't like to wake up anymore. If there are Gods, why do they allow me to suffer so?
I have a vague memory of my hand being held, kind and caring words being spoken softly to me, also of a man who glows in robes of white, and of a beautiful woman wrapped in some sort of animal hide, who was covered in blood and bruises. Am I truly insane? I crave sleep so I can blank these thoughts, and my pain, from my mind.
Lucid Moments:
Fri Aug 05, 2016
I don't know how many days have passed. I am so hungry and thirsty, I can't remember when they brought food the last time. My teeth are falling out for lack of nutrients. I barely have the strength to hold the pencil. I don't like to wake up anymore. If there are Gods, why do they allow me to suffer so?
I have a vague memory of my hand being held, kind and caring words being spoken softly to me, also of a man who glows in robes of white, and of a beautiful woman wrapped in some sort of animal hide, who was covered in blood and bruises. Am I truly insane? I crave sleep so I can blank these thoughts, and my pain, from my mind.
Lucid Moments:
Sun Aug 07, 2016
A small mouse has taken up residence in my cell, it stares at me from the corner. I wonder what it thinks, if it does. It is afraid of me. They discovered I had tried to hide the "medication" beneath the ragged wool blanket on my cot. They were angry. I am immune to the blows now. It doesn't matter. Now when they come they put something in my veins with a needle.
There was another mouse, I don't know where or when. Was there? It was carrying something in it's mouth that was far too large for it to handle, I think I smiled when I saw it.
Lucid Moments:
Tue Aug 09, 2016
I seem to be almost becoming immune to the sedatives they inject into me day after day, if that is possible, or perhaps it is my resolve, but I will continue to pretend that I am mostly incoherent. There is a new guard on watch, a woman who's corpulence is astouding, it is certain that even if I am not, *she* is eating, and often.
Not the sharpest of tacks, She has brought me a new, clean shift to wear and has actually given me a brand new pencil - sharpened to a gloriously fine point, and pad of paper. I have tucked the new pencil away and continue to use the other. Her empathy will cost her..her life, if I am able to pull it off. I must get out of here. Patience...
I have a strange vague memory of a large avian creature flying overhead...somewhere. It's large wingspan covered the viewable sky, long sharp talons jutted out below the creature as it flew overhead. The creature's wings tipped to one side and it banked sharply, circling above this room of somewhere - and it looked at me and others who were gathered. With a mighty beat of its wings, the creature was gone and out of sight.
A solitary feather floated slowly downward, almost lazily before alighting on my head. It was A long fluffy feather the color of gold, it was pristine and life giving, shining in the presense of the light source.
I cannot decipher these bizarre thoughts, and they trouble me.
Lucid Moments:
Wed Aug 10, 2016
Each hardship that we endure, is preparing us for something that is yet to come. Through hardship, hold strong to your resolve, be true to who you are.
Eternal Journeys,
More Lucid:
Wed Aug 10, 2016
As I lay on my cot looking at the ceiling, I contemplate the days events. My portly Guard, who has informed me that her name is Ms. Ratchet, has spoken with the Warden and the Medical Staff and convinced them that I am no longer in need of sedation. I can only surmise that she is up to nothing good. I would guess that she will revel in my suffering as I am forced to stay awake. As she sat today, her desk is in rather close proximity to my cell at the end of the short hallway, she ate a hearty lunch, her eyes conveyed her delight in knowing the power she holds over me. I've seen eyes like these before. Also, the pencil given to me in days passed, has made it's way back to her desk.
I remembered things today, and I told some people that I had murdered a man..I remembered that this is where I live, and I told them that too..and of the conditions...and how I likely, truly, look. I've not seen a mirror in years, and I do not wish to, for the horror that would be looking back at me would be too much to bear. I remember...Coraal, Lu, Cloud..I feel that these men are kindred spirits, brothers. but where? why?
Focused Lucidity:
Wed Aug 17, 2016
I knew it was all a ruse, how could I be so STUPID and trusting. Ms. Ratchet has been giving me parts of her lunch, a half slice of cheese here, a segment of orange there, today a piece of bread and jam, but she has put something in it..the wench, I am slipping away, hard to keep my eyes open. The way she looks at me chills me right to the bone.
FOCUS!
FOCUS!! I cannot let her get the upper hand
Something else I must focus on, in a dream I had, a man's deep voice, important job to do, You have to stay focused!!
But where?, why?
Transcendent Lucidity:
Sat Aug 27, 2016
I awoke to find a wallet of nail files inside of my shoddy pillow. Somehow these items are familiar to me..but how? Why?
Lucid:
Sun Aug 28, 2016I have been awake for some time now. Outside in the towne square I heard shouts and cheers from what seemed like a gathering of hundreds of people. Some men came in and dragged the corpulent Ms. Ratchet right from her chair at her desk, and I saw other guards being taken as well.
I asked one who lagged behind what was happening, he yelled cheerfully that there had been a revolt and the reign of King Morden was over.
What will this mean for me and the other prisoners?
I will sleep now for awhile, not in a drug induced stupor, but because I am weary with hope.
Lucid Realization:
Tue Aug 30, 2016
I can hardly believe my eyes...the cell doors have all been opened. A small bundle of clothing and personal care items have been given to myself and the others.
I have watched as a few of them have passed by my cell, with smiles on their faces or looks of surprised disbelief.. some walking..some running for their lives.
So... why am I still sitting here...?
Lucid Wandering:
Sun Sep 04, 2016
The prison has been empty for days.
I heard footsteps a couple of days ago and I watched from a hiding place, it was the authorities to declare the place condemned.
I have not left. I am afraid. Even though my life was one of unpleasantries, there were always others around me.
I have never been alone, but as I sit and write down these thoughts I realize that there could not be anything much worse than things I have already endured.. could there?
So I am leaving the building now. I will follow the path that I so oft saw out of my barred window. I have no idea where it will lead me.
One step at a time.
Lucid Reality:
Thu Sep 08, 2016
I have been walking for 5 days with little rest. The path before me led me through, and then to the outskirts of the village. I did not linger there, and walked with my head down as I felt quite self conscious. I continued on and went into a wooded area. It is here that I am now trying to find some rest. My feet are blistered and swollen. I can hear the soft murmur of a nearby stream, that would make my feet feel better...cool water. I will look for it, tomorrow perhaps...so tired.
at the bottom of the journal page in lazy scrawl are the words
Pa'uqo.. wolf.. chaos.. darkholme.. jo.. bu...fly..
Lucid Sanctuary:
Wed Sep 14, 2016
It has been several days since my last entry. I continued to wander until exhaustion and hunger took it's toll. I remembered falling asleep under a grand oak and little more after that.
I awoke to find that I had been taken in by the Ladies of the Lucent Estuary, one of whom had found me unconscious while out gathering berries.
I had been bathed and dressed in soft robes of batiste. After some time one of the Sisters led me to the dining hall where they all shared a meal with me in silence..but it was not a forboding silence, I feel a certain warmth while in their presence. They are a quiet sect, prone to meditation and devotion, a monastery of sorts. I feel comfortable and at ease in this place, it has a feeling of familiarity that I cannot quite place.
This is my third day here, I sit now in a room that has been made up for me,at a small writing desk in the light of a flickering oil lamp with a magnificent crystal globe, the light dances on the cieling like a smattering of diamonds. A small wash basin with fresh water is at a dressing table to my left and there is a goosefeather bed of luxuriant softness as I have never experienced, and even though I simply melt into it as I go to sleep, my dreams are fitful and I oft wake many times during the night with my heart pounding, or with feelings of dread, anger, melancholy or panic..but the dreams fade away quickly and I cannot determine what they might mean.
The Elder Mistress has told me that now that I have gained my strength back, perhaps tomorrow I would join them in their daily routine and chores. They do not seem eager to get rid of me and in fact seem to be pleased to have someone new in their midst.
I think I should like to stay for awhile...
Lucid Sanctuary 2:
Sun Sep 18, 2016
The days pass by so quickly here.
I spend my time helping the Good Sisters with the daily chores, which include, I suppose to most, what would be rather mundane tasks. Washing, gardening, general upkeep of the house and grounds, preparing meals and clearing away. By the end of a typical day I fall into bed feeling sore and tired, but I'm gaining my strength back with each passing day, and it is a -good- tired, a tired that makes me feel as though I have accomplished something of worth. This is a feeling I have not known before in my entire life.
I feel a sense of peace and contentment here that overwhelms me at times, a feeling of a joy so deeply rooted that it oft times brings me to tears. The Good Sisters treat me with so much kindness and care and treat me as one of their own.
Still though, I sleep fitfully and wake with such feelings of dread and woe, I have spoken discreetly of this to the Head Mistress, as she has seen some mornings, how I appear unrested and on edge. She has suggested perhaps a "Dream Journal" to record any memories that I have as soon as I wake, in the hopes that I can find what exactly it is that is troubling me so dreadfully, and hopefully in doing so it will help to put these nightmares to rest. I will try this, what have I got to lose?
I must go now, the bell has struck 12, which is the call to afternoon meditations before lunch, and I really enjoy this time of quiet introspection.
Dream Journal Page 1:
Mon Sep 19, 2016
I awoke in a state of great unease and melancholy, I am writing quickly to get it down before the dream fades from memory.
There was a stronghold of some sort, a facade with a grand staircase..then, creatures, frightening and powerful, others were gathered..all I can piece together is P'auqo, a woman with shining purple locks, a rather cheerful fellow in earth and blue.. a man with a red cape.. The creatures were hurting us, there was screaming.. we smote them time and time again.
Then another man, in blue, handsome.. I spoke to him of war, and a resolution. I felt happy, as though I had accomplished something, but very sad at the same time.
Then another room, large with a small pool in the center, a man who was not a man, but reptilian, I feel there is some sort of bond with this being..but I cannot place it at this time.
Then an outdoor area with a magnifigant fountain.. I was handed a small carving of wood, I remember feeling a sense of awe as I looked at it. There was a ceremony, there were smiles and laughter but I felt a deep melancholy there.. it had to do with the war..
I cannot remember anymore.
Dream Journal Page 2:
Tue Sep 20, 2016
My sleep was not as fitful this time, though there were a couple of moments where I was jolted out of deep sleep feeling agitated.
Again, another creature, strong like the others..the pretty purple haired one asked if I wanted to "firestorm", I somehow did as she asked, and the thing went down with a thud. I must admit.. these dreams are really out there.. magic? What I wouldn't give for some of that in real life!
The man in the red hooded robe, again I remember being quite annoyed at the arrogance and bossiness of this person whoever he is. He reminds me of our King who was overthrown, the Dictator whom I wrote about a few weeks past. Why, I wonder, would I dream of someone like that, I feel like if this man was real, and not just a dream, I would want to wring his neck...odd how the subconscious mind works.
I felt happy just before I woke up I think..and after I woke up.. the reptilian man..I was very happy for him in my dream, something nice happened, having to do with him, though I cannot quite place it.
I dreamed of swimming in a place that had a sort of..floating castle, the man was there who seems to be in most of my dreams, he is called chaplain, but also Pa'uqo, this man has great signifigance to me in my dreams.. not a lover, no..but someone very close, very dear. I think when I can't find him in my dream my heart feels sad.
And a handsome man in a crisp uniform, his hair is unusual, but it suits him, and he is very kind to me, He visits me often to see if I am alright. I dream that he is also some one who I care about very deeply.
Another man wanders in and out of my dreams quite often, he has a lupine....name? or something.. I cannot quite place right now...and another, like a cloud he floats above the ground, his skin is blue, I feel that there is some sort of mutual respect between me and this cloudman.
Some of these people continue to speak about a Captain who is not there now, but will be back and then they talk of more war, and things of that nature, I cannot remember this Captain at the moment, but I am getting better at remembering my dreams since I've been here with the Sisters.
Oh goodness..I just remembered something else, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, but she is not a woman.. well, she is, but she is a butterfly.. a woman with glorious butterfly wings. She speaks to me with gentle words of kindness and encouragement.
I dare not show this journal to the Elder Mistress for fear that I will in fact..be deemed quite insane for these disturbingly strange dreams that I have.
I wonder if there are others like me.
Dream Journal Page 3:
Wed Sep 28, 2016
I remember a man that I know quite well - was speaking in riddles.
He said..."If the fire has consumed the oak, what chance has the sapling"? I believe I answered him with something like..
"aye... well although an old oak may burn more swiftly..due to age and dryness, a sapling is fresh, moist and resilient."
He spoke once more and said..
"Yes. But the oak is larger and takes longer to burn, dry or not. Do be careful."
Then he gave me some written words before vanishing.
The Shadow / The Ways / The Radiant Blaze // The Chaos / Or Plum / A War of no Sum // A Pattern / A Knight / A Shadow of Light // An Oak / To Cease / Dead Body of Peace
I cannot seem to stop thinking of these words... they seem to me, to reflect the timeline of my dreams in part... and the rest..?
There is no more to this as Sorsha Carrere was Dreamstruck by Zaxun, General of the Vanguard, shortly after this was written. The following notes are from after her recovery.
Lucid Reality
Sat Nov 05, 2016
When I opened my eyes, the Sisters and Mother Agnes were all crying and praising the Gods, speaking of miracles.
They told me that I had been in a sort of comatose state for quite some time. I did not believe this was true until now, that I open my journal and find that the last entry is dated 37 days past...
I search my memory for answers but come up with nothing substantial.
Though something nags at me deep within, I feel a sense of great loss and pain..a heaviness, a friend, someone very close to me..is gone, but of course that is utterly ridiculous, as I have no friends, outside of here..
and I believe the Ladies here tolerate me only out of pity, and duty.
Ladies of the Lucent Estuary
By Lucent Ladies » Sat Oct 08, 2016
In a small bedroom in the Ladies of the Lucent Estuary Monastery, four women look down upon the prone form of a woman who appears to be sleeping. They converse quietly.
"Mother Agnes, what do you think happened to her?"
"I don't know child, she seems to be in some sort of vegetative state."
"It has been nearly ten days Julia, the Doctor says she is lucid."
"Yes, yet we cannot wake her, but see? her eyes move beneath their lids."
"Mother Agnes, will she come back to us?"
"I don't know Sarah, I don't know..but she is strong, have faith."
The four stand around the bed and join hands, gazing down to the woman.
"Lord and Heavenly Father...hear our prayers...."
Part 2
Sun Oct 09, 2016
Mother Agnes now sits alone at the bedside of the comatose woman, as she gently bathes her she speaks softly, occasionally raising her gaze upwards..
Yahweh... of most High, giver of life, hear my prayers.. You brought her to us for a reason, things do not happen by chance, You and I both know this. You have a plan for each of us.
Please show her your Light, that she may find her way back to us, to continue on the path that You have set before her. Take away the darkness and torment that fills her mind.
She has only just begun to realize that there is a life for her, please Father, let her live it...
Mother Agnes crosses herself and whispers.. "Amen".
In a rare show of affection she leans forward to place a kiss on the forehead of the woman, the woman's lips move ever so slightly and she mumbles just barely above an audible whisper..
"So dark..."
Her eyes move rapidly back and forth beneath their lids.
Mother Agnes, glances skyward once more and simply says... "please".
Part 3
Wed Oct 12, 2016
Sister Julia enters the room, glancing at the IV set-up that is now next to the bed, a thin tube snaking from a suspended bag of clear liquid into the top of the comatose woman's hand via a rather large needle. Julia has a seat, next to the bed.
I don't know what to say really, we didn't get to know very much about you before.. well, we don't know you much.
I do know, that wherever you came from, it was bad.. -really- bad.
But your hair is growing back really pretty...and soon as you wake up we can get your teeth fixed, would you like that? The things dental practitioners can do these days are
Julia tries to continue talking, but breaks down in sobs. She places a palm on the prone woman's arm.
I want to know you more..I want to help you, come back, Sister.
Part 4
Sat Oct 15, 2016
Mother Agnes arrives to relieve Sister Julia from her night time vigil
Good morning Mother. She has had a restless night, though I can only hope that it is a good sign.
How do you mean, restless?
Well, for some time she was thrashing about, I was quite frightened actually. She was murmering, though I could not make out all of the words. I heard something that sounded like.. gee..oh, and then help, dark, afraid. She seems quite plagued with nightmares Mother. I spoke quietly with her most of the night but alas, she still does not respond to my voice or seem to hear.
Mother Agnes nods slowly and takes up a seat next to Julia, they hold each others hands and place their free hands upon the comatose woman's arm as they begin their morning prayers and devotions.
Part 5
Wed Oct 19, 2016
The womans eyes suddenly snap open and she gasps sharply. She stares with wide, fear filled eyes at the ceiling.
A single tear slides down the side of her face and on to the pillow.
Mother Agnes runs for the doctor.
Part 6
Tues Oct.2, 2016
The Doctor speaks with Mother Agnes as they stand by the woman's bedside.
"She is in a state of what we call Catatonia, we do not yet know much about this condition, only that it usually is brought on by a great trauma or schizophrenia..or possibly even both. A person in this state can alternate between periods of great excitement or agitation to complete mental stupor and unresponsiveness."
"Has she said or done anything in recent days that I should be aware of?"
"Just one word Doctor, and I have no idea what it means. She keeps saying Pa'uqo, does that mean anything to you doctor?"
"No..no, I'm afraid it doesn't. There is not much I can do for her.. just keep an eye on her and inform me of any changes."
As the doctor exits the Monastery, Mother Agnes is joined by the rest of the Sisters. They join hands at bedside and pray silently.
Part 7
Mon Oct 31, 2016
The woman sleeps fitfully as Mother Agnes sits at her bedside, she leans closer to hear as the woman begins mumbling in her sleep...
Not comi....ca..breathe.... chao... dying
Mother Agnes sits back in her chair slowly, brows knitted in concern...she looks at the woman endearingly.
